Editorial: First kisses are always bad — specifically slobbery

I’m sitting in a movie theatre watching A Star Is Born in 2018, a mere boy sitting next to me. He awkwardly grabs my pinky, not brave enough to hold my entire hand, and moves closer to me every few minutes. I’m wearing a Glassons denim skirt and white top, very aware of how much thigh I’m showing even in the dark theatre. Eventually, he leans across the arm rest and gives me a big slobbery kiss. It feels like my dog is excited to see me. The arm rest is digging into my stomach, I’m trying to listen to Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sing, and the people in the theatre are cringing just as much as 15-year-old me. This guy has a serious case of the stabby tongue syndrome, and no antibiotics script is gonna fix it. Afterwards, I text my best friend: “That was terrible.”  

Whether you’re out of sync, there is too much tongue, or there’s just no chemistry, first kisses are always bad. Sharing my story in the Massive office, I’m met with nods of relatability. One writer says hers was at a war memorial in the rain, and she couldn’t tell if it was his spit or the rain making the kiss slobbery. A friend tells me hers was at a party while sitting on a lumpy beanbag under a Christmas tree. Another says she had an okay first kiss, as the tension had been building up for a while. But it was ruined afterwards when he texted her “I’m glad our lips met”.  

The common denominator in all of these stories is that they involved a man. But in men's defense, the reason they often go for a slobby first kiss is actually animalistic. 

Anthropologist Helen Fisher tells National Geographic that modern males are instinctually using kisses to pick up traces of estrogen in a woman's saliva, therefore gauging her fertility. Fisher also says wet kisses could be an unconscious attempt to transfer testosterone to the woman, which would stimulate her sexual interest. Fisher continues that slobbery kissing could be an all-purpose mechanism to get women’s reproductive juices flowing.  

Gender and kissing technique aside, neuroscientists suggest that the chemicals of saliva may say if a person is a genetically appropriate mate. Kissing is us animalistically choosing if someone is the right partner.  

While we all remember our first kiss as terrible, perhaps they are made worse by our bodies disproving that person’s genetics and chemicals. Although, I’m sure a stabby tongue puts the nail in the coffin.  

Next time you are met with a slobbery kiss from a man, confront them with a gentle, factual reminder: “Excuse me, please don’t pick up my traces of estrogen, or transfer me your testosterone, or try and get my reproductive juices flowing. Your saliva chemicals are giving me the ick.”