DILFS! DILFS Everywhere!

If there’s one thing I love, it’s a good ol’ fictitious DILF. In my time on this earth, I have encountered many. Maybe I gravitate towards them, maybe they to me… I will never know. But what I do know is that I’m only human, and find myself charmed by them despite my best efforts to remain composed. And I know many of my fellow students have their own favourite DILFs in the media they consume.

How many times have you played The Last of Us “for the plot”, only to find yourself swooning every time Joel scowls at the camera? Or how about when Sirius Black first swaggers into Grimmauld Place, and your knees just buckled. DILFs have become a staple of many pieces of media, and the recent influx of them only seems to be continuing. So, I thought, why don’t we look back on the DILFs of the past? Pay tribute to those who walked so our contemporary DILFs could run.

Without further faffing, here are my favourite classic DILFs and why I love ‘em.

Billy Butcher

And already I’ve broken the rules I set out by talking about a character who’s first on screen appearance was in 2019.

But I don’t care. It’s my list. Get off my back.

The accent. The coat. The fucking Hawaiian shirts. Not to mention he’s portrayed by our very own Karl Urban. Billy Butcher from The Boys might just be the DILFiest DILF to ever DILF in recent memory, making his spot at the bottom of my list somewhat… diabolical, as he would say.

I know I’m just gonna parrot myself here but the beard, coat, fucking Hawaiian shirts and the accent… oh my giddy aunt. The only reason he sits here is due to his fresh-meat status on the DILF scale.

If it were not for the true classics who reside further down, he would be a lot higher…

The Fish with the Scar from Finding Nemo

I cannot be bothered finding out his name right now, but names are not important when it comes to this line of thinking.

Everyone remembers that scene, where our boi Nemo awakens in the dentist’s office, freaking the fuck out cause no one can find him or whatever the film’s plot is (been a while since I’ve watched it), and then he turns and sees… Fish with the Scar… oooooooohhhh booooooyyyy. Aside from the chiseled good looks, the absolute mystery and intrigue the scar brings, and the caring attitude beneath the gruff exterior, he is voiced by Willem Dafoe. And anyone who knows anything about Willem Dafoe knows that he is so impressive in the downstairs region that they had to get a dick stand-in for the film Antichrist, which is entirely irrelevant to him playing a gruff fish but needs to be said whenever his name is uttered. What a DILF.

Willem Dafoe

Willem DILFoe, if you will.

Santa

A controversial pick to be sure. “Why?” you ask. “Why is such a beloved figure from our childhood on this list?” Do I really gotta spell it out for you all?

First off, he's got a beard. Secondly, he’s a hard worker, unless you believe his elves are hired by him to do all his labour, which just means he’s making money moves.

But the third, and most important reason, he breaks into my home once a year and leaves me gifts for being… nice.

He’s like a sugar daddy who just knows how to get my praise kink going in all the right ways, and I don’t even have a praise kink!

But come December 25, he comes sliding in through my chimney and leaves behind all manner of things because I’ve been particularly good this year.

In conclusion, Santa Claus is everyone’s sugar daddy, and we all need to acknowledge and thank him for this.

Moby Dick

Only time when the name is important ;)

The Orange Election Man

What’s sexier than a bright orange, smoother-than-a-Ken-doll bald man with a chest tattoo? A bright orange, smoother-than-a-Ken-doll bald man with a chest tattoo who encourages you to have your say in politics. Orange Election Man might be the single most attractive DILF in our nation’s history.

Aside from being a stone-cold-stunner, his status as such a popular political figure is nothing to scoff at. Not to mention how charming he is, constantly asking if we’re over the age of 18 no matter how old we might appear. Sure, it might be just to see if we’re enrolled to vote, but he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Everything there is to say about this creature’s utter sex appeal has been said. I would merely be parroting what better people than I have already stated.

Orange Man = Greatest DILF of All Time

Was this whole piece an elaborate scheme to make you remember to vote in your local body elections, to have your say amongst your community?

Possibly.

So, if you wanna make Orange Daddy proud you’ll make sure you’re enrolled and have your votes in no later than October 7.

“Remember – the only true DILFs and MILFs in our society, are the ones who actually vote in the election. - Abraham Lincoln.