Depression Meals: When the big sad is too big
Illustrated by Sara Moana
We all have them. Our secret, shame-filled snacks. The culinary Frankenstein-esque creations we bring to life with whatever’s there. The ones that crawl out of the dark and onto our plates when we just don’t give a rat’s ass about what we eat, as long as we eat.
Depression Meals:
Food for when the big sad is too big
For those who haven’t caught on, a “depression meal” is a low effort, usually, but not always low nutrition snack that you eat just so you can tick off eating for the day, or as a form of self-care. A depression meal can range anywhere from tinned tuna on a slice of white bread lathered in BBQ sauce, to a single durry and a can of flat, half-drunk Pepsi that you found in the fridge.
Basically, there’s no set requirement for what a depression meal truly is, but I think we all understand the gist of it.
“The point of a depression meal is that it’s YOUR thing,” - my neato partner
We all have a special something we turn to when times are tough. When the grind is getting too much, or it’s not easy to leave the house, we all have a special meal we can rely on to get us through our bad patches.
I have compiled, tested, and reviewed a few depression recipes that I acquired from fellow students, putting them to the test, trying them so you don’t have to. But, if you’re feeling adventurous, it shouldn’t be hard for you to assemble these yourself.
And just to show that I’m fair, I’ll kick things off by sharing one of my own…
Pretzereal
This one’s for those times when you are feeling like utter shit.
It’s the kind of thing you can gorge on after a bad breakup, while cramming and crying for exams, or just while you’re in bed. A personal recipe of mine, gifted from me, to you.
Ingredients
- Pretzels (preferably stale)
- American mustard
- Bowl
- Spoon
This meal is intended to be eaten as a savoury form of cereal.
Take your pretzels, pour them into a bowl, lather them with American mustard.
Wallow in your self-pity as you shovel that tangy mess into your mouth, occasionally cutting the roof of your mouth with a pretzel, and then burning that cut with a wad of mustard not long after. If you’re incredibly blessed, you might encounter a pretzel that’s gotten mustard within all its pretzel holes!
From a pure snacking standpoint, pretzels and mustard are not that strange a combination, and to eat them out of a bowl with a spoon makes sense when you’re not wanting messy fingers. Overall, it fills a hole, tastes moderately okay and is probably not the strangest thing you’ll find in this list. Its reliance on ingredients people may not have just lying there also loses it some points. And if you do have them, I doubt even the most down-bad individual would waste them on Pretzereal.
Depression cure: 7/10
Mouth feel: 6/10
Presentation: 1/10
Overall rating: 4.5/10
Painfully average is the only way to describe it. Next!
A Whole Can of Chickpeas
It’s literally what it says on the tin.
The person who submitted this recipe was so deeply ashamed and afraid, that they asked to go by the pseudonym “Timothée”.
Ingredients
- A whole can of chickpeas
- Spoon
- Olive oil
- Vinaigrette or your choice of salad
dressing
OPTIONAL: seasoning, spices, etc
Prep is as easy as opening the tin, pouring in “a squiz” of vinaigrette, a splash of olive oil and whatever other seasonings you desire. Mix well, eat straight from can.
Note: vinaigrette may not be on hand, and can be substituted with a salad dressing, or any condiment of your choice.
As I write this I’m trying not to cry. Forcing myself to swallow down a mouthful of this… thing…. It was torturous. The taste was… something? I get the feeling I didn’t drain my chickpeas properly or use enough dressing. The only way to describe it, is that it was like eating expired hummus.
Mouth feel for this dish was incredibly pleasant! It’s literally just chickpeas in a bit of oil. Slightly crunchy, satisfying to munch on. If only the taste wasn’t such a strange fucking mess.
In terms of presentation, it looks like Bachelor Chow from Futurama, probably tastes just as bad.
Depression cure: 2/10
Mouth feel: 8/10
Presentation: 2/10
Overall score: 4/10
I’d rather eat the Albany chicken wing than have this again.
Pickle in a Blanket
Whole baby pickles wrapped in a slice of plastic, processed cheese. Simple, elegant, the fine dining of depression meals. This meal was lovingly contributed by Massive’s very own Culture Editor, Elena! Thanks for the stomach-ache!
Ingredients
- Baby pickles
- Processed, plastic cheese slices
To prepare, simply lie your pickles out along the slice of cheese, then wrap up in a roll. It should resemble an asparagus roll, or yourself curled up in a blanket after your ex posted on social media and you realise, they’re doing much better than you are.
Everything about this meal just felt wrong… but that’s also why it kind of worked??
Starting off from an aesthetics standpoint, this is what I imagine a ‘fine dining’ restaurant run by students would serve. Small, fancy portions.
The texture felt alien, rubbery but crunchy. Like eating the tyre of a Nissan Skyline that’s just done a burnout on loose asphalt. Taste wise, it’s literally just cheese and pickle, a tried-and-true combination. It’s just like eating really shitty Maccas!
Overall, the taste was non offensive, and the presentation was to die for.
This meal loses points for the weird stomach-ache it gave me soon after consumption, so once again, thanks for that Elena.
Depression cure: 6/10
Mouth feel: 3/10
Presentation: 10/10
Weird Stomach-ache: -5/10
Overall Rating: 5/10
Saddest hot dog I’ve ever eaten but seeing the appeal.
Plastic Cheese in a Bowl
“I’m not proud, but I’m also not a pussy. I’ll take the name and shame.” – Lily, Feature Writer for Massive Magazine, who woefully provided this masterpiece.
Recipe
- Cheese, preferably the cheapest
plastic cheese you can find
- Microwave
- Bowl
- Spoon
By far the simplest depression meal I’ve ever encountered. Place the cheese slice in a bowl, nuke for thirty seconds in a microwave, then enjoy with a spoon. Don’t forget to wonder what you’ve done to deserve this gourmet adventure you’ve decided to embark on. I’m not a huge fan of plastic cheese. However, what I ate here tonight was nothing short of amazing. The melted cheese slice was creamy and smooth, with a warmth that just ignited something in me. For a few savoury seconds, everything was right with the world. And once I had finished my cheese slice, I craved more.
What the Plastic Cheese in a Bowl lacks in presentation, it more than makes up for with its taste and texture. A true depression meal delight.
Depression cure: 10/10
Mouth feel: 10/10
Presentation: 5/10
Overall Rating: 8/10
If it’s not obvious, this one was my favourite. I went in expecting something disgusting, something terrifying. I cannot lie, this was one of the best depression snacks I have ever consumed. The simple preparation required, along with the quick time between set up and serving, and the overall lack of dishes was amazing.
If you’re ever not feeling it, try this, I implore you. You’re not gonna try anything better than this.
Hopefully you leave today with some new recipes to try, or inspiration for your own depression snacks. Whether it’s an original creation or following the guide below, try to remember:
“Anyone can cook ... but only the fearless can submit their depression meal to Massive for shitposting purposes.”
- Chef Gusteau, Ratatouille