Debaucherous, Defamatory & Downright Daft: A History of Massey’s Iconic Student Mags
Massive is an institution, a way of life. Sure, we don’t have a Wikipedia page (that’s a hint, by the way) or our Twitter password, but we have a long and glorious history. Today, we’re going back in time to look at the highs and the lows of this shitty magazine and its predecessors.
Massive only formed in 2012. I know. What a great year. Zac Efron got a YOLO tattoo, Gangnam Style dominated the dance-floor, and moustache tattoos were weirdly a thing. In the midst of all this crazy, sexy chaos, a legend was born. But also not really. The birth of Massive meant the collapse of local campus magazines, such as Satellite (Albany), Magneto (Wellington), Off-Campus (Extramural) and Chaff (Manawatū). These guys all merged basically because of VSM being introduced in the end of 2011. What’s VSM you might ask? Only the worst fucking thing to ever happen to student associations. VSM, Voluntary Student Memberships, was a bill passed by National and ACT, the bastards. Previously, all students were automatically part of student associations, with the membership added to their student loans (of around $150 per student) for health, welfare, and general student services. Under VSM, you guessed it, student membership was now voluntary. Unsurprisingly, this meant a huge decrease of funding for student associations, and subsequently student media.
Chaff
Chaff is the oldest of the bunch, dating back to 1934 before Massey was even a university! Sold for six pennies each, the Manawatū-based paper ran thrilling exposés on sheep farming in Canada and other such shit. Delightfully, it’s all old-timey speak, chock-a-block with spelling mistakes since the whole thing seems to be typewritten by hand. At most points, the narrative voice is just a flowing stream of consciousness with no thought of editing or journalism. Take for instance, this fucking charming passage about sports in 1934:
“It is with pleasure - not deferred - that we note that several of the more energetic of our members taking vigorous exercise in the form of runs and jerks. Football it must be - judging by the attire, that’s being prepared for, and that’s hot work is’nt it Bill?….Never-the-less these boys have set things moving, and we hope to see as the cold weather sets in - pardon continues, more of the lads out in an endeavour to loosen up the old muscles. We want a Wow team this year, so atta-boy Bill.”
I’m speechless. And strangely, horny.
The magazine was pretty political for its time, which makes for somewhat dry reading about Marxism and tax invasion etc, but it definitely had its scandals. Oh, and during the war it was called “The Horse’s Neck”, which is random but cute. I just thank God every day that we’re not publishing Massive during wartime. What would we write about? 10 ways to make a dildo from your limited rations?
In 1977, two whole issues in one month were dedicated to “the proper preservation and placement of bicycle racks”. Which, hear me out, was a contentious affair. If you’re ever wondering why the fuck there’s so many stairs on the Manawatū campus, apparently the Vice-Chancellor at the time was so opposed to cycling on campus that they were strategic measures to obstruct cyclists. Chaff reported at the time that “Paraplegic ramps are kept to a minimum because bikes use them too, thwarting the purpose of the steps. Any cyclist who has found crossing the campus difficult and wondered why can now see it was a deliberate policy.” Isn’t that the most fucked thing ever? Allegedly the VC’s gardeners were also hiding and damaging bikes, and students wanted more bike racks around campus. This all led to walk-outs, mass rallies and students even occupying the VC’s office.
In 1979, a column called “The exploits of Runny Babbit” managed to get the WHOLE of Chaff’s staff fired, after a satirical photo of students vomiting up cafeteria food created a worker’s strike. The University was left to cater to 800 hostel students, who were bussed into restaurants in town for a feed. The actual cartoon itself is kinda weird, and follows the narrative of “Runny Babbit” (a rabbit, if that wasn’t obvious) running into the Student Union Building, finding vomiting students who are moaning “what shithouse food! And for the price!” The students then spot the rabbit, attempt to cook him, but Runny Babbit manages to escape by…shitting everywhere. The whole building fills up with shit, and the last scene is Runny gloating “Lick my ass, you student trash!!” Yeah. It’s still just unbelievable that EVERYONE was fired. Like imagine being a random copy-writer, getting fired for an editorial decision about a cartoon you had nothing to do with. I would be livid.
In 1992, the magazine was forced to issue a front-page apology (which is RARE, normally we just print corrections a page or two in, in the ‘biz), after a noticeable period of absence. The apology reads: “In the edition of Chaff of 27th July 1992 we reported that the MUSA Bar account for the six months that ended 30 June had a debit balance of more than $20,800. The report claimed that, the bar manager, Bernie Quin, was unable to account for the missing $20,000. This claim is incorrect, Mr Bernie Quin at all times had available information to account for the funds under his control. We apologise to Mr Quin for any adverse reflection on his character and at all times there was no evidence of transgression by him.” That, ladies and gents, is the equivalent of getting caught with your dick in your hands. VERY awkward and very much defamation-worthy. Oops!
Tom Scott, a columnist and writer, was even threatened with blasphemous libel (publication of material which exposes the Christian religion to vilification, ridicule, and contempt) during his time at Chaff. If the court case had gone ahead, he would have been the first to have been sued under that charge since WW1. However, Chaff always settled (boring!).
In 2006, Chaff published a cover featuring Chairman Mao superimposed on a woman’s body in a spoof of Cosmopolitan Magazine. “Commupolitian” featured subheadings such as “Chairman Mee-ow!”, “237 ways to conform to mass standardisation whilst staying fabulous” and “I set myself on fire in Tiananmen Square and lost 137lbs!!” The publication incited protests from students, who argued that the cover was racist and likened to mocking Jesus. In the end however, Chaff refused to apologise for the cover, with the news editor saying the publication “received hundreds of emails both condemning and supporting their decision” to run the front page.
Satellite
Satellite, in Albany, started out in 1995 as a tabloid, before moving to a magazine for 1996 and 1997. These issues mostly involve incredible full-page absurdist comics such as “How to Cook with Super Chickenman”. This is just, honestly, mind-blowing content, including brilliant quotes such as “Super Chicken Tip for the Day: If you pluck the chicken it won’t taste as dry” and “Oops, I mistook my handsome chickenlike hand for my dinner”. I fear in all my years of writing, I won’t ever achieve such dastardly genius. Oh Satellite, you flew so high, my friend. It was a good time. A time where Scholars was a bar, not a cafe (I know!). But, alas, in 1998 and 1999 the magazine was relocated as an insert for a local community rag, the Shore News. Only at the end of 1999 did the magazine once again become independent and on campus, with a trial run on a “shoe-string budget” (some things never change for student media, bless) and only four pages to its name before eventually growing.
Satellite was wacky, like a kid in class that sucks on their hoodie drawstrings, but that you also know would be good at oral sex. In 2004 they ran a piece on the rules of The Air Guitar World Championships. This piece included such gems as “The instrument of an Air Guitar player must be invisible” and “An Air Guitarist may play an electric guitar or an acoustic one - or both”. In 2005 they just kept calling their readers “Dirty Pirates,” for no reason! Wacky!
Mostly, the sad thing about Satellite is seeing Albany in its heyday. One issue in 2007 presents a guide to O-Week that describes copious amounts of drinking and and pissing up. Flash-forward to now and the atmosphere is…anything but. Sure, Covid-19 largely wrecked this year, but let’s be honest, it wasn’t like ASA had anything that exciting lined up in the first place. What once was debaucherous fun is now just slightly inappropriately-titled food festivals (and using the word festival is being generous). Like literally, the title of 2007’s Orientation was “Prepare to have your Ass shaken, not Stirred” with dubstep and hip-hop line-ups. This year’s? “AmigO Week” with a Chilli Chomping Competition. Never mind the slight cultural-appropriation vibes: where’s the piss-up, where’s the fun?? Student media reveals to us how past generations of students used to live, and how greatly we have fallen as a result.
Off Campus
Off Campus was for distance students, called extramural students back in the day, and ran from 1995 to 2011. Previously, in 1975 there was a newsletter called EXMSS. The newsletter was more exec-propaganda than anything actually student-led, but it did have some great Garfield pictures interwoven throughout the drivel. Back to Off Campus. Off Campus was a little bit less naughty than the likes of Satellite and Chaff, with mostly pro-university takes. For example, their first magazine included several pages of farewells to the Vice-Chancellor Dr Waters, calling him a “revolutionary” and all that boring nice stuff. Yawn. Nowadays, Massive just Facebook stalks our VC to find out what weird pig pages she’s liking (more than you think!). Off Campus was definitely aimed at a more mature readership, no swear-words to be found for miles. Think something along the lines of Metro or North & South, and you’ve got yourself a magazine.
I scoured issues to try and find something funny, to very little luck. In 2006 they declared “Sleep - always the poor cousin of sex in the bedroom is now ‘in’, sexy, ‘the new black’”. That’s as close as they ever got to talking about sex, in an article literally advocating to go to sleep instead. It probably helped that everyone involved in the magazine was very much a grown-up. For example, the editor in 2005 had more than 30 years of journalism experience behind her belt! 30 years! To get this job, all I had to do was burp the alphabet backwards. Honestly, I just feel bad for distance students now having to read this smut. Sorry guys. Love you.
Magneto/Magnet
Magnet was a pretty high-quality newspaper, with fun tags-lines like “I don’t like Mondays”. Sorry, just Garfield references really get me, you know? I have no idea when it started, because unlike the other magazines, Massey has none of these little guys in their digital archive. From our own shoddy collection, I’m taking a stab at early 90s, but could go as far back as the 70s.
In 1995, Wellington apparently had a big hacky sack problem, so much so that hacky-sackers were asked to refrain from playing inside buildings and near cars and property, or else face “a suitable punishment…found for those who transgress the law.” Oh, and there was also a bar (presumably where Tussock is now) called Blue Fish bar. They advertised HEAVILY within the magazine, claiming to have “the cheapest jugs in town” alongside an air-hockey machine and a SuperPool table. Oh lord, where did we go wrong? Seriously??? How did we fuck up this much?
Other very 90s stuff includes a smoking room inside Massey, an ad about warts and lots of articles about the birth of the internet which made my skin crawl.
Somewhere around this time, the newspaper changes its name to Magneto, which I absolutely adore! Mag-neato! This is where the newspaper starts to get a little bit funnier, although the line between what’s satire and what’s not is mind-boggling. A 1999 listicle called “Essential Rules for Men” boasts tidbits such as “Never refuse a beer without a medical certificate”, “Never trust a man in white pants” and “If asked any questions regarding the appearance and attractiveness of your girlfriend, say nothing. Simply leave the area smartly without explanation.” Perhaps my mind is melting but…I’m not sure if that’s satire. White pants are kind of sketchy! 90s humour is very much dad ManCave signs. It makes me want to wear tight jeans and pretend I know about sports.
In the 2000s, Magneto becomes a glossy mag, filled with the essential Y2K think pieces on snowboarding, George. W. Bush and Paris Hilton. Shout out to 2004’s “Dictator of the Month” column and their thought-provoking piece on the mystery of why women insist on having toilet seats down. However, their drug and alcohol issue is very noticeably…anti. I think a large problem with old student media is a prevailing mindset to publish what adults want to hear, with students acting as more of an afterthought.
Massive
In 2012, Massive was formed on the graves of its dead siblings, which is always a fun way to start a magazine! First released monthly, Massive eventually evolved into fortnightly and covered all of Massey…which is a LOT. Things began okay, the logos were all shit but honestly what do you expect from a design-heavy university? 2014 was the 80th year of independent student media at Massey, but instead of celebrations, Massive was hit with, well, a massive blow. The magazine was forced to move to digital-only due to funding difficulties from yep, you guessed it, VSM. A request for funding from the University was declined, due to Massive “not having the desired impact on its students”. A fitting cover with the words “That’s all folks!” broke the news.
Thankfully, in 2015 Massive came back in print, mostly thanks to student complaints and hard-working staff behind the scenes. We also had an app for a short amount of time but I have no idea what happened to it. Let’s just let sleeping dogs lie, shall we? It was 2015, even Kendall Jenner had an app or two.
But before we kick back and celebrate, let’s just get it out of the way now: 2016 was NOT a good year for the magazine. In only the second issue back, the cover featured an illustration of a naked female student grimacing whilst reading a Psych 101 book. A hand is tugging her hair and grabbing her buttocks. Whilst the image accompanied a story around sex work at university, the illustration itself seemed associated with sexual violence rather than sex work. The editor at the time told Vice, “One of the women in the story mentioned how the men were so sheepish [about soliciting sex] that they kind of whispered to her “do you mind if we do it in doggy style”? So, the whole thing was to have her in doggy style looking bored and studying at the same time.” The editor refused to pull the issue but instead a “Trigger Warning” sheet was placed over covered stands, and a diversity panel was installed to prevent shit hitting the fan again.
The same issue also received three Media Council complaints for a satirical article entitled “Massey University bans ginger students for 2017”. In the article, it claimed “gingerness is a contagious disease which can be spread through sexual fluids and bodily contact” as well as being associated with inbreeding. It was just a bit weird, and the whole vibe from 2017 is somewhere along the lines of trying to be funny but just…failing. Sorry guys!
Things hobbled along with no big controversies and now we’ve reached the present day. 2021, my dirty pirates! This year the magazine was made weekly instead of fortnightly, so you can get your filthy little mitts on a load more content. I really like what we’re doing. It’s sexy, it’s fun, hopefully a bit thought-provoking.
But, if I’m honest, as much as I love Massive, trying to cover three campuses alongside distance students is hard. And that’s not just me being lazy (although I am extremely lazy). Quite simply, as much as we try, it’s just hard to cover news and culture over such a big area on such a small budget. We’re inevitably going to miss things. It also brings up awkward questions about how much you should cover on one campus, when 75 per cent of your readership won’t care. Every day, I have to stop myself from shit-posting something nonsensical about Wellington, because I know those up in Palmy simply wouldn’t give two shits, or the other way round. There are older distance students that hate our content around drinking games and drugs, but there’s also young freshers in halls who love it (I mean, well, hopefully). Don’t even ask me what we’re going to do around exec election time, with 15+ candidates for each different association. I don’t know! It terrifies me!
Simply put, it’s a shame that we lost some pretty fucking great student magazines. R.I.P. Chaff, Off Campus, Magneto, and Satellite; our fallen soldiers. But Massive is here, and we will continue to rock your world. Semester 2, here we go.