Confessions of A… Trans person at massey

 Confessions of a is an anonymous column that looks to unearth viewpoints from unique individuals at Massey University. Each week we will give the spotlight to someone new, so If you think you’ve got an interesting story to tell, please get in touch with Editor@massivemagazine.org.nz  

Confessions of A… Trans person at massey

Studying as a trans person was… a lot of things. Hard. Painful. Isolating. Embarrassing. I’d like to think it has changed in the years since I first set foot on Masseys’ Wellington campus, and I've definitely seen improvements, but I think the vast majority of staff and students are unaware of how challenging it can be to study as an openly trans person.

I first started studying in 2016. Most of my classmates had no idea what non-binary was. For a lot of them, I wouldn't be surprised if I was the first person they had met who went by they/them pronouns. Surprisingly enough I had minimal trouble with the staff. A handy template letter was circling some online trans groups at the time, one that I simply had to fill out with my preferred name and pronouns, and then forward to every lecturer I had at the start of the semester. Out of obligation (and I’d like to think some rainbow training), this went down well with most of them. I had some awkward, very gendered interactions with some staff after making them aware of the fact that I was trans. But uncomfortable, overly enthusiastic allyship was better than the alternative.

I had a lecturer who always used very masculine gendered greetings for me. For some reason, they always referred to me as dude, man or buddy, despite not doing this to the cis guys in my class…

My classmates, however, were a different matter. While everyone began slotting into little cliques and making friends in their first year of university, I began having almost daily panic attacks, and crippling social anxiety. I was all too aware of how everyone around me was perceiving me as a gender I did not want to be perceived as. I barely spoke because of my voice dysphoria. The only times I passed before medically transitioning was when people had seen me but not heard me speak, I was incredibly anxious about speaking. Unfortunately, my degree required a LOT of group projects. I was grouped in with others who didn't care to use my pronouns, even after I had used all my courage to introduce myself to them. I felt like a freak. My self-confidence was at an all-time low, and the months and months I spent navigating the medical system to begin my medical transition; were brutal.

I was lucky enough to live incredibly close to campus. In my breaks between classes, I would walk home and take off my binder. While my classmates studied in the library together or caught up over coffee, I was scurrying home for a respite from my compressed lungs. When I eventually got top surgery, I had to drop out for the semester. My workload was too much and my recovery was too long. There was nothing that could make me put off my surgery date, even if it meant tacking extra years on to my degree.

Then there were toilets. At Masseys Wellington campus the “gender-neutral bathrooms” were just disabled toilets. Which was its own issue. One building I studied in had single-stall gender-neutral bathrooms, but the other buildings didn't. Most days I had to slink into a disabled toilet, and hope the only accessible bathroom around wouldn’t form a queue while I rushed in and out. Frustratingly often, the disabled toilets were locked. On those days I'd have to estimate what bathroom I was least likely to be harassed in, and duck in and out as quickly as I could. Disabled students needing an accessible toilet didn't have that luxury though.

To put it bluntly, the acceptance of trans students at Massey seems shallow. Studying as a member of any minority group presents challenges and opportunities for discrimination. Many gender minorities studying at Massey have intersecting marginalized identities; disabled, BIPOC, and immigrants to name a few. I felt like I had no option but to come out, but some people don't even have that luxury. Many gender diverse students' study without disclosing their identities and pronouns out of fear of discrimination, and others go “stealth” to avoid it altogether. I often pretended to be a binary trans person, adhering to the “stuck in the wrong body” narrative and going by he/him pronouns, in an attempt for the cis people around me to understand me more.

I absolutely love discussions of trans joy. Seeing celebrations of transness is beautiful, but I think it's also important to hold space for sorrow. I’m incredibly grateful for the progress we've made with trans visibility and acceptance since I've come out. But I can't help but notice there isn't enough being done to shed light on why we should be accepting and accommodating of trans folks.

Almost every year of my adult life I have known a queer person who has taken their own life. We are experiencing a mental health crisis amount young people, and gender minorities battle with mental illness at disproportionate rates to their cis peers. 2019’s Counting Ourselves survey on Trans and non-binary people living in Aotearoa shed light on some horrifying statistics. Trans people experience higher rates of homelessness, suicide and suicide attempts, sexual abuse, intimate partner violence and substance use.

I don’t think the severity of dysphoria can be communicated to people who haven’t felt it. Obviously, not all trans people experience the same levels of dysphoria, and some dont experience any at all, but it can be debilitating. Reflecting on my time studying has me confused as to how I did it at all. It was incredibly difficult to study while struggling with my mental health, and the lack of understanding and empathy compounded that.

I’m hopeful. The changes I’ve seen leave me feeling optimistic. Ive had lecturers start group discussions by introducing themselves by names and pronouns. Each year I studied more and more trans people seemed to be studying alongside me. But it was only a couple of years ago, when Massey gave the go ahead for an anti-trans TERF group to speak on their campus- Speakup4women. Massey has a long way to go before campus can feel like a welcoming a safe place for gender diverse students.