Begging for Andrew Scott

The Queen’s Guard 

The day audio erotica app Quinn posted their first teaser for The Queen’s Guard, I did not think about anything else. They shared a photo of the back of a mystery man walking towards a throne, and I immediately knew who it was. I was ready to kneel for him. 

Certified Hot Priest and sexy Irish man, Andrew Scott, takes the lead in this classic historical spicy enemies to lovers story. Quinn tags this story as M4F (male for female). But, I must confess... I am a trans-man. Will that stop me from letting Andrew Scott whisper and whimper into my ears? Absolutely not.  

Episode One: The Rebel 

Meet Robb the Protector. Robb is the personal guard (and #1 groupie) for the cruel and neglectful Queen. You, the listener, are Mira, the leader of the growing Resistance, and Robb’s former lover.  

The story begins in Robb’s chambers. He’s writing in his journal about the Resistance, but it’s not long before his mind wanders to Mira. It’s pretty clear that the dude is salty she left him behind. The Queen asks him to find Mira and bring her back to the court, to be punished for her mutiny. He admits to the Queen that before she left the palace, they were very close. But he reassures the Queen this will not stop him from finding her.  

It doesn’t take Robb long to find Mira. He follows her back to her safe house and confronts her, asking her to come back to the palace. When she refuses, the only option is a sword fight. Robb taught Mira how to sword fight in the first place, and those training sessions for sure led to some steamy exchanges in the past. So, it’s not surprising that this fight leads to Robb pinning Mira against the wall. “Come on Mira, push back against me,” Mira pushes back and Robb whimpers, “not like that. I thought I taught you to fight fair. No, no, no, no, no, no, it’s not fair to bring your hips into mine like that.” 

The next five minutes are filled with heavy breathing, moaning, whimpering, and kissing noises. The kissing noises took me out of the experience. All I could think about is how he recorded it. Is he kissing his hand? Is there another actor there just for kissing scenes? Quinn, name your price for the behind-the-scenes video please. 

Episode Two: The Resistance 

Half this episode is just Robb trying to uncover what is going on with the Queen’s Guard. Honestly, it’s not that interesting, I’m here for the moaning not the plot.  

The Queen tells Robb he has to kill Mira. Yikes. Later that night, Robb finds Mira in the throne room, and she’s come to ask for his forgiveness. He’s not making it easy for her, and it very quickly gets steamy. “Now you’re sorry? After all these years. Well now's your chance Mira. Prove it to me.” He pauses, and then with one word, absolutely destroys me.  

“BEG.”  

Not quite as good as the Hot Priest’s “Kneel”, but damn. After that, I have my vibrator in hand. I know what’s coming (spoilers, it was me). Robb tells Mira to sit on the throne, “I need to see you open your legs, can you open your legs for me? Gorgeous. Gorgeous. I have to taste you, is that alright?” 

The wet sounds of Robb eating Mira out are honestly pretty fucking hot. Better than the kissing sounds. The length of this scene is perfect. Robb says, “I can feel how close you are. Are you gonna give me what’s mine, Mira?” and in that exact moment, I’m done. Then the Queen’s Guard burst into the room and catch them going at it.  

Episode Three: The Revolution 

Right as I get to the final episode, my free trial period runs out. I decide $7.99 is a small price to pay for an episode tagged with ‘Multiple Orgasms’.  

Robb and Mira fight the Queen’s Guard together, then they flee to a safehouse. Robb has finally realised it’s time to take the side of the Resistance, and he supports Mira in overthrowing the Queen’s court.  

Later, the Resistance wins and to celebrate, Mira and Robb finally get down and dirty. This whole scene is essentially guided masturbation with Robb telling you, “Don’t cum until I tell you to”.  

This was fucking hot...but I felt like I was RACING to the finish line. I’ve never switched to the fastest setting on my vibrator so quickly. It had me feeling like I needed to fake an orgasm for Andrew Scott. Now I’m just disappointed and horny. I’d just redownload Hinge if I wanted to feel like that again. 

Oh well. I’ll be putting my $7.99 to good use and listening to Amplify, voiced by everyone’s favourite lesbian Kate Moenning. Can’t wait to live out my Shane from The L Word fantasy.