Barbie: Into the Barbieverse
As someone born in 2000, I LOVE the straight-to-DVD Barbie films. Barbie herself stars as an ‘actress,’ with themes like love, bravery, and friendship being the bastions of the BCU (Barbie Cinematic Universe). The early 2000’s was the best era of Barbie films by far. If you could get these suckers on VHS they had to be good. I knew other people out there must have grown up with them too, so I posed the question on my Instagram: Which is the most iconic Barbie film? The answers flooded in. All six of these films were released between 2002 and 2006 and were within the first nine Barbie films released. There are 36 total, the latest being from 2017. This says a lot about the quality of these storylines, as it's definitely not the animation that makes these films so appealing. Consider this a guide for your future watchlists.
Barbie Swan Lake
This was the most popular by a wide margin. The ballet-themed Barbie films have a WILD amount of talent poured into them. Not only was Barbie’s dancing modelled on a principal dancer from the New York Ballet, the whole soundtrack was performed by the London Symphony Orchestra. That’s a lot of big names for a movie with the graphics of a PS2 cutscene. This impressed me enough to make up for the lack of sense this film made. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it fully, but there is not a lot going on here beyond the dancing.
Rating: 6/10 disturbing forest children
Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper
The first Barbie musical in this list. This was the second most popular, partly due to the absolute banger “I Am A Girl Like You.” This movie has zero instances of women being stuck and needing rescue. Annalise is trapped by the goons in the woods and she straight outwits them. Erica is stuck in the jail cells and uses her fantastic voice to overcome the guard. This movie has everything you want: several counts of mistaken identity, an old man trying to marry a teenager (gross), an absurdly French horse, and two cats getting married. This should go back on your watch list.
Rating: 10/10 bad accents
Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus
Third most popular response. I thought this was going to be a horse girl movie but it’s actually the lesser used, but perhaps more important, ice skating girl movie. Well, there is a horse that is actually a girl, but that’s neither here nor there. The production team seemed to put a lot of effort into rendering the blacksmith Aidan, because he’s the only person that ever gets a close up in the whole film. They never go closer than a mid-shot for any other character, and he gets like five close-ups? I also never thought I would find a more punchable character than the Pak’n’save stickman, until I met Shiver the polar bear. Now I know Shiver seems like she’s Barbie’s friend, but don’t be fooled. She is the main antagonist, not Wenlock. Everything bad that happens in this film is because of that goddamn polar bear.
Rating: 5/10 wands of light
Barbie: Fairytopia Mermaidia
Mermaidia tied for fourth by numbers, but the sheer enthusiasm shown by respondents puts it in this spot. One person wrote: “Mermaidia hands down… the COLOURS… the whole turning into a mermaid sh*t… unbeatable.” This passion cannot be argued with. The first thing the Fairytopia series does is establish that fairies are beautiful and graceful and also racist. Elena spends the whole first movie of this trilogy getting her wings, so you understand why she’s so hesitant to give them up even to save Prince Nalu in Mermaidia. This film is fine, but the animation is confusing as always. They really said, “How do we make a dolphin wear a pearl necklace and not look stupid?” and then no one had an answer. There’s also that turtle that looks like an old woman and a baby at the same time… it’s a whole thing.
Rating: 8/10 bottomless whirlpools.
Barbie as Rapunzel
This one comes via special request from Massive’s editor Laura Macdonald, and naturally I jumped to include it. This film’s got magic paintbrushes and secret tunnels and dragons, so it’s a good choice if you’ve got little ones but just alright for grown-ups. It is a little hindered by the early animation, but I’ve actually grown to love the weird clunky look of these films. If I could ignore it as a kid, I can certainly ignore it now. The ferret Otto’s voice is just someone doing a poor impression of a very camp gay Norwegian man, which was definitely a choice. There’s also a charming subplot about the sassy dragon sidekick seeking paternal approval, but all of this is missing the most important feature of the film: ANJELICA HUSTON PLAYS GOTHEL. And this fact alone brings the total rating up for me.
Rating: 7/10 timeless actresses
Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses
This is another ballet one, again with the New York Ballet, with themes by Felix Mendelssonn performed by the Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra???? How did Mattel pull this off????? This is one of my personal favourites, and I was waiting for people to answer this because I was about to throw hands if it got snubbed. The opening scene with the silhouettes? Iconic. Derek the royal shoemaker? Handsome. The little girls who love collecting insects and naming them things like ‘Harold’? Delightful!!! This is the weird little girl representation I have always needed. The villains, Duchess Rowena and Brutus the monkey, are especially wonderful and hateable. There’s no chance of the classic “goons have a change of heart and become good,” because none of them have a shred of good in them. That monkey isn’t evil because he works for an evil mistress, he’s just genuinely an asshole. Fantastic.
Rating: 12/12 dancing princesses.