Trialling Victorian Remedies for Modern Problems

I’ve always been a chronic self-diagnoser. Fortunately, my family has owned Home Handbook of Hygiene and Medicine since 1896. Uncontrollable masturbating? Tie your hands behind your back! Endometriosis? Breastfeed your child! Depression? Oh wait. Sorry, that didn’t exist in 1896 (my bad). To cure myself of my current medical issues, I blew the dust off this old book.  

Nervousness (aka Anxiety)  

Causes: Tea, coffee, tobacco, and alcohol cause much of today's nervousness. Novel-reading, sexual excesses also contribute.  

Treatment: Electricity remains best treatment. Diet should be unstimulating.  

I’m diagnosed (by a real doctor) with an anxiety disorder. When I found this trustworthy source to cure me, I was ecstatic! The book suggests tea, coffee, and anything fun are the culprits. Bad news for me. My morning routine of sipping coffee with my smutty fantasy books is basically a death wish.  

For one whole day, I deprive myself of caffeine and books, and my diet stayed as bland as possible. I hoped my tastebuds would be too bored to be anxious, but alas it persisted. So, naturally, I held on to an electric fence. I found myself on the ground, hair standing on end – and anxiety still very much present. In case I did it wrong (obviously, I’m an overachiever), I grabbed the fence again.  Shockingly, my anxiety persisted.   

Acne

Causes: Large amounts of sugar and oil, as well as masturbation in young men.  

Treatment: Cover face in Vaseline and eat an unstimulating diet. 

When a sneaky pimple popped up on my chin this week, I was prepared. It was Vaseline time! I did my weekly grocery run looking like I'd been freshly varnished.  

Vaseline and my tasteless diet must have worked because that pimple disappeared. While I haven’t mastered the art of acne prevention, I can confidently say this is the miracle cure we’ve been waiting for.  

Freckles 

Remedy: Mix 3 tbsp grated horseradish with a pint of buttermilk, soak for 6-8 hours, shake, and apply overnight.  

I didn’t realise my freckles were a problem, but I trust this book with my life.  

The remedy was underwhelming. The buttermilk made me look like I'd been barfed on, and the horseradish was acid on my face. Despite my discomfort, I kept the mask on overnight. When I washed the mask off the next morning, I was taken aback to see… my freckles were still there. And two pimples appeared on my nose. Luckily, I had Vaseline to cure them.  

Hysteria 

Symptoms: Laughs or cries randomly, breasts sensitive, painful ovary, mood swings.   

Causes: Sexual excesses, novel reading, perverted thoughts, and idleness. Mainly affects spoiled young women.  

Treatment: The 1883 ‘Manipulator’ table massager.  

Modern medics claim hysteria is a myth to dismiss behaviours that made men uncomfortable. Clearly, they haven’t read the Home Handbook of Hygiene and Medicine, where sexism is the apparent standard of medical advice.  

Turns out, the ‘Manipulator’ was actually the first ever vibrator... and doctors used it on unwilling women. Excuse me, what? And that’s my cue to shelve this dusty old book. Permanently. Because no amount of so-called ‘medical’ bullshit will ever justify assaulting women. This book is going to the back of the shelf, like it should have been a long time ago.