Ramming w/ Fergus: Class with an ex

Q. Fergus, my ex is in my new tutorial, and I think I’m falling for her again. What do I do?! 

A. While I don’t have exes of my own, just many past situationships and endless hookup, I can imagine your predicament. Falling for an ex again is a slippery slope, but falling for a classmate is a classic proximity crush. You probably wouldn’t be falling for your ex again if you didn’t see her every other day.  

However, if your feelings are so intense that you decide you want your ex back, I would recommend a high dose of yearning.  

The sheep in my paddock have been talking a lot about this term that I’d previously never heard before. I often hear them repeating the phrase, “Bring yearning back 2025”, usually over a copy of Pride and Prejudice or while watching Bridgerton.  

After learning what it means, I fear it doesn’t work for me. Anytime I tell a babe I like her, there is no time for yearning. She’s almost instantly yearning to get in bed with me.  

But for you my friend, yearning will work in your favour. Look at your ex longingly in class, sigh to get her attention, and bring her a gift – could be flowers, could be a bale of hay.  

You could even recite Mr Darcy’s thirsty monologue: “You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love- I love- I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."   

If all else fails, try reciting my own thirsty monologue I wrote in Year 11 and have used ever since: “Wanna fuck?”