The Great Fergus Heist of 2025

Pranking my gullible editor with a fake complaint, theft, & ransom note  

“I want someone to prank me!” 

It was a Monday afternoon when Massive editor Sammy Carter announced to designer Luka Maresca and me that she wanted to fall victim to a prank.  

For context, Sammy is a menace. Her hunting ground are parties, where she thrives on tricking tipsy victims into believing the absurd. My personal favourite is when she convinced someone that she was an escapee from Gloriavale.  

Luka and I laughed at her declaration and went back to work. Later that day, my phone buzzed with a message from Luka. 

“Jessie, let’s plan a prank on Sammy.” 

I agreed instantly, and we came up with the perfect game plan — stealing the Fergus the Ram head.  

Fergus the Ram is Massey University’s mascot. Massive took some creative liberties last year and transformed him into a sex expert with the advice column Ramming with Fergus.  

Massive’s Fergus is Sammy’s baby. She spent over two weeks painstakingly crafting his huge fragile head. He now sits in the office overseeing the weekly publication of the mag on a manikin.  

Phase one: Send Sammy a fake complaint  

We sent Sammy an email from ‘deeply concerned student’, who felt Ramming with Fergus was offensive. The ‘student’ demanded she get rid of the column altogether.  

I crafted the perfect alter ego: Thomas Fletcher. The kind of incel who writes furious Facebook comments under articles about sex education. 

To: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz 

From: thomasfletcher6969@gmail.com 

Subject: Formal Complaint 

Kia Ora Samantha Carter, 

My name is Thomas Fletcher, I'm a fourth-year student at Massey University, and I would like to make a formal complaint about your column Ramming with Fergus. 

As a man, I find this depiction of my gender offensive and sexist. Massive Magazine preaches ‘equality’ but I see nothing equal about your obvious hatred towards the male gender. 

Not only do you discredit and disrespect men, but you also tarnish the prestigious name of Massey University with your overtly sexual column. Fergus is a proud mascot with a rich history, and your ‘magazine’ is slandering his name. 

I formally request you remove this column. 

Yours truly, 

Thomas Fletcher 

At 10:40am in the Massive office, Sammy received Thomas’s complaint, and Luka captured it all on camera. 

“Oh, formal complaint about Ramming with Fergus,” Sammy muttered, scanning the email. 

Luka responded with a believable, “Whaattttttt.” 

Sammy scoffed at the use of her full name -- I knew “Samantha Carter” would get her going.  

She reads the email out loud, her face shifting from confusion to mild offense. Silently, she grabbed the latest issue of Massive and flips to Fergus’s column. 

“I don’t get it. We love Fergus. Literally all he says is he likes nakedness. What’s wrong with that?” 

Later that day, I come into the office and Sammy tells me about the email. I delivered the performance of a lifetime — shock, laughter, disbelief. She had no suspicions.  

Then things took a turn. Sammy called our manager, James Collings, and tells him about the complaint. Luka and I exchanged an oh fuck look. 

Luka quickly messaged James to explain. A tense moment passed before his reply came through: "Hey Luka, thanks for the heads up. I love a good prank!" 

Crisis averted. The chaos could continue. 

Phase two: Kidnap the Fergus head 

The next day, Luka and Sammy headed off for their lunch break, and I casually mentioned that I had an appointment to get to. This wasn’t technically a lie. I had an appointment with Fergus. 

I grabbed the Fergus head, and his gumboots too (for dramatic effect) and hid them in the office next door.  

I left a note on the mannequin: 

Get rid of the column and you’ll get Fergus (and gumboots) back!  

Yours truly, 

Thomas Fletcher 

20 minutes later, I met back up with Sammy and Luka, and we go back to the office together.  

Luka and I were expecting an instant reaction, but as time stretched on, we grew worried. We exchanged furtive glances, staring at Sammy. Was she going to ever notice? 

Three minutes passed, and just as we thought she might never catch on… 

Sammy’s face dropped. 

“Wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT. What the fuck!” She stood up and pointed to the missing head. She was lost for words.  

Luka and I gave the performances of a lifetime. We gasped. We were shocked. We were outraged.  

Sammy stormed out of the office in search of the head. She called manager James — who didn’t answer. She considered calling security. She ran into the student association office demanding to know if they saw anything.  

“Bro we were gone for like 20 minutes!” 

I watched as Sammy got angrier and angrier.  

“That’s actually not funny, like nah that’s not a joke.” 

“The head is SO fragile.” 

Sammy sat down at her desk and started aggressively typing up a response to Thomas.  

“What should I say? Give me my fucking head back!” 

Phase three: Fergus’ Homecoming 

Sammy hammered out a reply to Thomas Fletcher, her newfound nemesis. Meanwhile, in the next room, Luka was suiting up. Fergus was about to be reborn. 

Student association designer Kara burst into the office, "Sammy! Sammy! Come here, you have to see this." 

Sammy abandoned her strongly worded email and stormed out the office. 

And there he was. Fergus, arms wide open. Ready for a reunion. 

Sammy froze. Spinning around, her eyes landed on me, phone in hand, filming the whole thing. 

She groaned, burying her face in her hands, "Is this you guys pranking me? Oh my god! That’s not funny!" 

She carefully took Fergus off Luka, cradling his giant, fluffy head. She whispered to Fergus, “I was so scared.” It was emotional. A reunion for the ages. 

"What the fuck. You guys really got me." 

And so, the great Fergus Heist of 2025 came to a close. Fergus is back where he belongs, perched high above, watching over us like a benevolent and unhinged deity.  

The lesson? Be careful what you wish for – especially if you work with Luka and I. And don’t be so gullible.