Will Tomatoes, Milk Thistle, or Lollipops Cure My Nicotine Addiction?
Content Warning: Addiction
I started toying with lung failure at the ripe age of 12. I huddled up to a cigarette in the bush of my dad’s house contemplating the pains of tweenhood. Seven years later, and I can’t imagine a time where I wasn’t tearing up my bedroom to find my vape or surveying strangers for a lighter.
Just as we breathe and cramp, smoking and vaping became second nature to me. So, with no real expectation or hope, I am going to try to quit nicotine this week.
When you’ve been smoking longer than you’ve been menstruating, you're a bit past nicotine gum and patches. So, I will be employing some of the most ridiculous methods to do so.
Day One: Tomatoes, tomatoes, and more tomatoes
Tomatoes contain 7.1 nanograms of nicotine, and for reference an average NZ cigarette contains 12 milligrams and a vape has 20. This means eating about 15kgs of tomatoes is equivalent to one cigarette.
Horrifically hungover, I wake up immediately searching for my menthol vape. Before I can suck on the blue device, my brain wakes up and I throw it to the other side of the room.
My friends and I moan and groan on the couch together. As they roll tobacco into papers, I nibble on my first tomato of the day. Utter misery. The combination of a hangover and a nicotine itch turns me into a moody goblin.
For every hour that passes and tomato I consume, nothing gets easier about my day. I’m snappy and constipated. My friends force me to jump in the ocean with them. They promise it will make me feel better. It didn’t.
Now, I’m a drowned rat with my fourth tomato of the day in hand.
I ended the day with a very necessary viewing of Anora, a beer, and a fifth tomato. The alcohol intensified my cravings, and the tomato did nothing to stop them. Watching Anora obsessively hit her vape in the movie was like rubbing lemon juice in a wound.
After six tomatoes and zero nicotine hits, I completed day one in anguish.
Day Two: Milk thistle tea
After defeating no-nicotine Sunday while hungover, will I be able to complete a vape-less morning lecture on Monday?
I was recommended a detoxifying milk thistle tea from a friend’s home remedies book. Milk thistle can help smokers as it has potential to protect the liver, thanks to its active compound silymarin. Studies suggest that silymarin can reduce inflammation in lung tissue.
Naturally, I stole some milk thistle extract from my local witchy mate, combining it with tea as the recipe said.
For something that sounds lovely and fairy-like, milk thistle sure does taste disgusting. The murky substance consumed my tastebuds with a sharp and bitter earthy twang. Every time I had to make a new batch at university during the day, my funky concoction and I got odd stares.
Unfortunately, I had to get through four of these to cleanse my liver.
At about 1pm, I really started to itch for nicotine. I tried focusing on my work, but I had a splitting headache, and my stomach began to moan. I knew nicotine was an appetite suppressant, but I didn’t realise how much it really controlled my stomach.
Honestly, I almost caved. Just as I huddled around that cigarette when I was 12, I huddled around my friend’s vape at uni. Except instead of being on the lookout for my dad, I was on alert for the Massive team — desperately trying not to get caught. But I didn't break and handed the vape back.
Moping, I went back to my computer and had my fourth milk thistle tea of the day. It tasted like willpower and dirt.
I hadn’t shit for two days.
Day Three: Lollipop oral fixation
Today, I had to defeat the scariest demon of them all: A ten-hour hospo shift.
I needed a technique that would engage my senses whilst I worked. The American Cancer Society recommends trying lollipops, toothpick, or celery if you miss the feeling of a cigarette in your mouth.
So, when I asked my manager if I could suck on a lollipop all day, she shrugged.
“If it means less smoke breaks, you can do whatever you want.”
I parked myself in front of the coffee machine, lollipop in, and began. As each hour passed, I found I was unbothered by my lack of nicotine. Nicotine is normally always on my mind: Where will I smoke, when will I smoke, what will I smoke?
Alongside a few americanos, lemon honey ginger teas, and matcha lattes, I felt a space clear in head. In the rush of coffee-making, I felt at peace.
This oral fixation was the best method by a long shot. However, it’s temporary relief couldn’t make up for the fact I hadn’t shit for three days.
_______________________________
I’m now sitting at my desk in my underwear, typing up this article, and smoking a cigarette. Maybe I’m weak, or maybe I was just constipated.
Whatever the reason, at least I can shit now.