Tell Tales of the Tunnels
Case file of Aiden Wilson, Detective Inspector at Massive Investigations
Case #42069 – The ‘Tunnels’
It was my third year on the force when the rumours began circulating all over Massey Confessions. Rumours of a conspiracy that went right down to Palmy Massey University’s foundations.
The tunnels.
You may not have seen them, but you can feel them. If you stamp your foot on certain parts of Palmy concourse you can tell the ground feels almost hollow beneath you, like with enough force it would cave in and lead to the subterranean lair of the Massey Mole Men.
Photos of these tunnels were dug up around November of 2022. Massey published a statement about the tunnels in November of 2022, but it was dubious at best. It said the tunnels were designed in the 1960s when the heating of the buildings on the Manawatū campus came from a boiler house. The house supplied heated water through a reticulation system through the underground tunnels.
“As well as water, the tunnels carried other services such as electricity, gas and telephone lines around campus.” Nice try, Massey, but everyone knows you can’t CARRY electricity.
I’ve reached my own conclusions as to what could be going on down there...
Vet Student ketamine smuggling tunnel
Massey’s drugs are under tight watch, and Vet students cannot steal ketamine. So how are they getting it? Three words – ketamine smuggling network.
They hide it in all the sheep they love so dearly, before distributing their goods amongst the Vet school and quietly returning the sheep to the farms beyond the university fence line.
Fergus’ playpen
We know mascot Fergus the Ram loves to get down and dirty, but where does he do it?
Word is that if you pray to him enough before bed, he’ll come whisk you away to his secret spot beneath the library.
Mole People
Massey has become home to a race of subterranean Mole People who want to steal all our courses and degrees. Why do you thinking everything is miraculously getting ‘cut’? Think about it – if you’re a newly evolved ground dwelling Mole Person, do you think you’re eligible for a student loan? No. So, they must be stealing our precious lecturers and forcing them to teach in the tunnels.
_______________________
My director has asked me to drop the case, but I just can’t. I believe the entrance is situated underneath Radio Control and plan on carrying out a solo investigation myself.
Debrief
Detective Wilson’s disappearance should be seen as a warning to any other aspiring sleuths who may be reading this. All evidence of Fergus’ vulgar activity here has been incinerated.
Anyone caught trying to access case #42069 or any other files relating to the tunnels will be suspended under suspicion of paranoia and psychological trauma.
Sammy Carter, Director of Massive Investigations