September 24, 2018
Issue 11 2018
Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Uber Eats

Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy telling lame jokes, putting off work, and feeling guilty for spending too much time in bed. Why is it that this is the busiest time of the year, yet we find ourselves at the pinnacle of procrastination? Your mornings get later, your duvet feels warmer, and you have about as much energy as Usain Bolt if Usain Bolt was in a wheelchair, in the middle of the desert and also dead. All the little things like going to bed early, doing your washing, and cooking somewhat edible food is just boob loads harder.

That’s why we have apps I guess. To do shit for us when we’re too run down to do it ourselves.

Why walk when you can Uber? Why meet for coffee when you can send pixelated selfies accompanied by dry captions on Snapchat? Why buy groceries and cook when you can order from Uber Eats?

It sounds simple, but is it sustainable? Can we survive and flourish while relying on technological crutches on a daily basis?

Um, yes. Obviously.

Uber Eats. What madman came up with it? Who took an Uber and decided, “yo what if it was this, but food?” If you’re familiar with the taxi service, and the process of ingesting matter to provide heterotrophic organisms with energy and nutrients, then the name Uber Eats probably speaks for itself. If you still can’t put two and two together, it’s a taxi for your food.

The app is deliciously simple. It connects you to restaurants in your vicinity (which stretches further than you’d expect) and offers you a menu. Pick a dish, pay a $6 delivery fee, and you’ve got a feed at your door in less than half an hour.

Now the reason I haven’t used Uber Eats before, is that I live literally two minutes from Countdown, Pizza Hutt, Maccas, Fish n Chips, Subway, and a nifty little noodle place, so the irony of paying an extra $6 for some Chicken McBites instead of going outside wasn’t lost on me. But upon browsing restaurants I was delighted to realise I could order from further than my hood, such as a burger from Leroy’s, Falafel from Pita Pit, and Chicken Waffles from Mama Browns (although you’d never catch me dead eating that monstrosity again. Great chicken, and spectacular waffles, but the combination is like trying to watch The Room while having sex. Both are great, but together it’s absolutely hideous. Especially when you get down to the last sad few pieces of coleslaw covered in syrup and you’re hating yourself because of all the stupid decisions that drunk you made tonight, and - I’m getting off topic, let’s move on).

Now I know what you’re thinking. Money. And yes, sometimes that extra $6 isn’t a dime you can spare. And some restaurants seem to have a crippling fear of anything that’s not double digits. I’d agree that some days it’s cheaper just to sit at home eating a bowl of loops, but think about how good it would be if you could order a woodfire pizza to arrive at your doorstep? Gives you a reason to trudge through your shitty assignments.

My first Uber order was a burger from Leroy’s. My bank account had recovered from last issue, so like an exceptional dumb ass I wasted it again, but this time on an experience I’ll never forget.

Was that too dramatic? I hope I’m not coercing you into reading further into my article through well placed cliffhangers. That would be a travesty.

My burger arrived on time, which was fantastic, as I had been obsessing over it for the last 30 minutes. However, it didn’t quite make it to me first. When the app told me it had arrived, I had gone downstairs to fetch it, only to see the car heading away. I waved at it but no response. To make matters worse, my app updated to ‘delivered,’ and I wondered if I had just become a member of the Stolen Uber Eats Special Victims Anonymous Group, or ‘SUESVAG.’

Just then, a fellow turned the corner, carrying a bag that smelled like it belonged to a starving skinny ginger student. I proceeded to chase this thief down the street where I eventually cornered him into a fistfight, trading blows until I triple back flipped over his head and shattered his spine with a roundhouse kick that would have sent Chuck Norris spiralling into clinical depression.

Just kidding. He noticed me standing there all hungry like and said, “hey uh did you order from Uber Eats?” Turns out the driver was one speedy boi and had ditched it with this dude thinking he was me, then bailed without bothering to double check. Luckily this individual was an honest one, and I thanked him and offered him a chip. He declined, due to not being able to grab my ghost chips.

I headed back upstairs with my baby cradled safely in my arms, and later, cradled safely in my intestines.

The rest of my Uber Eats deliveries were smooth and hassle free. I had sushi, pizza, Asian, and bankruptcy. The splurge ended as quick as it had begun once I realised I could only afford to eat cardboard for the rest of the week.

Food is humankind’s best friend and has always been there to help us gorge our stress away. As such we should treat it with respect, and the fact that food now has its own taxi service is a good start, but we need to go further. I’d like to see a future where food has equal opportunities to people, where food is just as likely to be considered for the position of CEO as Janet from marketing, where food doesn’t have to hide its true nature to feel safe among its peers, where food is allowed to roam the streets without misplaced fear of the authorities. Only then, will I be considered full.

I rate Uber Eats 4/5 Broken Ice Cream Machines, therefore it’s Lit Fam.

Next Issue - The Bachelor (of Creative Media Production)