July 16, 2018
Issue 7 2018
The New News

The New News - Sports

Throughout 2018 we have been lucky enough to witness a number of spectacular sporting events. In April, we were thrilled to see a major sporting event that wasn't dominated by either China or the United States—the Commonwealth Games. Currently, we're in the midst of another exciting FIFA Football World Cup, already bringing some incredible results—Australia hasn't won a game. Looking forward, we still have so much to come! The Tour de France, Wimbledon, the Tiddlywinks World Finals, and the much expected Underwater Badminton match between Senegal and Armenia. The New News is excited to not only bring you the latest sports updates and news, but it will also condense everything you need to know about the sporting year into one succinct, and entirely accurate article. You'll be clearing your schedule as you read!    

The 2018 Football World Cup has brought the entire world together. It is said that football is a language understood around the globe—yet people who don't follow or support football continue to disagree. However, everyone knows that nothing beats the pure thrill of getting up early to watch a bunch of blokes kicking a ball around a big field. In World Cup news, players remain impossible to recognise because nearly all of them have the exact same haircut. Additionally, there has been talk of Hollywood scouts attending games to look for talent in acting roles. In an interview with Quentin Tarantino, the director stated, "the players seem to develop a knack for falling over in a dramatic sense. They handle their anger in such an absurd and utterly childlike fashion... I want that in my next film". In other World Cup news, there was confusion surrounding an internal flight for the Icelandic team, as there were too many players with names that end in -son, meaning that not enough tickets were booked. Although there was a slight delay in the match, the team made it safely through in the end. 

Carrying on, you might be surprised to know that people still watch tennis. There are actually a number of people—albeit small—excited for Wimbledon in July. According to the Queen herself, "it'll be jolly spiffy!" That just about wraps up tennis news.

The Tour de France starts in July. There has already been controversy leading up to the Tour as the growing popularity of e-Bikes has misguided commuters to believe they are professional cyclists. An American team named e-Win has been denied entrance to the race as they insisted on riding their e-Bikes, despite the strict rules surrounding bike construction. In a statement on Twitter, team captain Ché Vidnuts said, "our e-Bikes are still better than doping. Utter malarkey". In other Tour news, officials have limited what cyclists can stuff into their lycra shorts, saying that, "stuffing drink bottles into lycra shorts gives off the wrong impression, despite its usefulness to riders. Cyclists will be limited to bite-sized snacks and drink sachets in their shorts to reduce the amount of bulge seen on television". 

In the lead up to the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo, we have seen several substantial global developments. Perhaps the most contentious is the inclusion of Team Unity—an all-star Olympic team made up of "has-beens" and former athletes. Some of the big names filling the rosters of Team Unity include Mike Tyson and Lance Armstrong. Tyson and Armstrong appear to be fit and healthy in preparation for the games, and their training coach, Tiger Woods, says that training has been coming along well. In an interview with The New News, Woods stated that, "the boys are shaping up nicely. There are frequent distractions with kids, ‘real-life’ issues, mistresses, and stuff like that—you know how it is. However, I remain confident that we'll show the world what we're made of!" In an interview with Mike Tyson, he stated, "I am 100 per cent focuthed. I am in my thone. I've made my thacrifithes. Imma get out there, no matter who it ith, and whoop hith ath". A cool and collected Armstrong said, "I guess my biggest rival at this stage is the preliminary drug test. If I can make it through that, I should be okay”.    

It is our hope at The New News that you are excited for all the momentous sporting events to come this year. Nothing is quite as rousing as a solid sporting event. It's like the perfect cup of tea. Or perhaps biting into a freshly cut pomegranate. You know it, we know it, now let us crack open a beverage and relax on the couch while our favourite athletes do the hard work.

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