September 24, 2018
Issue 11 2018
The New News

The New News - Business

It is about time that we crack the whip and talk about what really matters... business. Business fuels the economy. It gives life to those people who wake up early and don crisp suits and drink black coffee. I mean, look where it got Donald Trump. Don't let anyone tell you that studying business is a bad idea — I don't think anyone ever regrets learning about fun things like economics, finance, or accountancy! There are just oodles of fun to be had in business and The New News is going to analyse the latest business trends in cohesion with industry professionals and provide insightful knowledge about the stock markets and Wall Street and all things business! It is time to dig up the hoards of gold you have in your backyard and invest them back into our failing economy.

Nothing puts a smile on my face more than the stock markets. They are so enchanting and pretty and constantly make people happy. For example, The New News recently invested millions in an off-shore fake-afro manufacturer — with the popularity of the Colin Kaepernick/Nike advert we are sure that kids all over the world will be asking their parents for afros. This is the sort of business venture we encourage. High-risk/little, to no reward. The thing is, it's a great conversation starter, as well as a good way to dispose of your income. You always hear people talking about disposable income—what better way to throw it away than invest in a silly company. Moving on, a huge increase in the sale and supply of LIGMA has been gripping the European Union. The flow of LIGMA throughout European nations has increased by 690 per cent. This means that there is so much LIGMA in Europe, that even the Queen of England is buying shares. The producers of LIGMA, SUGMA Inc., is choosing to remain silent about the matter and attribute their huge success to the popularity of their product.

Who remembers Bitcoin? Yeah, it's still around — not too much to say there. You either struck gold or remained oblivious — like the ending of Shutter Island. Anyway, the problem with crypto currency is that you can't make them rain over a stripper. Nor can you snort lines of... crypto currency is great! Invest now.

I certainly hope that everyone saw Elon Musk smoking pot on a live web show. If you didn't, be sure to check out an actual news source for the video. For our business newcomers, Elon Musk is the CEO of Tesla Motors. Tesla makes cars. Cars are what humans use to transport themselves around the planet. The planet is the big round thing on which we live. To live is to smoke pot on a live web show with Joe Rogan... It always amazes me to see how the universe has a way of doing full circles. Anyway, Tesla stocks have been dropping following the interview because Musk's behaviour has been labelled as "pretty gnarly" and "too loose, bro". Even though Tesla is rather new-aged and forward in their thinking, legally smoking weed on camera is apparently where they draw the line. It is funny to think that people are upset about Musk's behaviour when Ricardo Alvarez, Ecopetrol's CEO, had his own run in with the media just the other day. Ecopetrol is Colombia's biggest petroleum company and one of the 25 biggest petroleum companies in the world. Last week, Alvarez excused himself from an interview due to "tiredness," returning to the interview minutes later with blood-shot eyes and a dusting of white powder under his nose. When asked about it, he replied, "I smelled freshly baked cupcakes out in the foyer and had to get some. So, what if I got a little icing sugar on my nose. Wanna fight about it?" It was clearly not icing powder, nor were the cupcakes worth a trip to Colombia. Despite all this controversy, the conclusion remains simple; why do we care so much about this useless and over-dramatic news when there are clearly more important things to be doing with our time. The New News abates. The world is silly.

The final thing that we want to talk about is the impact that social media has on business. Advertising and marketing has become increasingly simple. Whack something up online, advertise on Facebook, and the rest is history. Pictures and videos circulate the globe via the internet faster than Elon Musk hits a joint on national television. Drop something controversial into your post, and it spreads even faster! A case study we can look at is how Coca-Cola recently started hiring underpaid, and under-aged workers in anonymous countries in order to up sell and market their product. The new line of Coke drinks labelled Coke SL, or Coke So Lush, has been openly marketed as a product that is made in unfavourable conditions in order to cut costs. The problem with the world is that because it has gained so much heat in the press, Coke sales have increased by 22 per cent in just two days. Furthermore, many people are switching to Coke SL because it has a unique, and rather addictive "cheap" taste. Some are calling it Pepsi, because it tastes so cheap, and others are calling it Coke Slave Labour, not Coke SL. What do we do about this? Surely the entire country of New Zealand boycotts Coke and refuses to buy their product. However, that would probably mean the downfall of L&P... And that could lead to a decline in the tourism industry in New Zealand... Seems that we are caught between a giant L&P bottle and a hard place. Sheesh. Business sucks.