March 25, 2019
Issue 03 2019
Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

This month is looking up for you, Aquarius - Jupiter is in direct motion the whole month, which means your YouTube channel might finally take off!

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Venus has entered Pisces! So has your ex.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your succulent collection has slowly died, along with your passion for botany. You decide to take up cross-stitching instead.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Mercury is in gatorade or something.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You drunkenly apply for Blind Date and live in fear of your inbox for the next three weeks.


Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)

You are emotionally driven, which means you often cry on the phone to StudyLink.


Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

You resemble your star sign, the lion. Not in a majestic, powerful sort of way. More because you have a cleft palate and shit on the lawn.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

You completely fuck up your moist vegan banana bread, threatening your status as the second best cook in the flat.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

A boost in serotonin caused by the full moon inspires you to get your mother’s star sign (Cancer) tattooed on your arm. Everyone tells you it looks like a 69.


Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

A combination of a full moon and your neighbours listening to Macky Gee on repeat means you develop a nervous tic.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The highlight of your week will be getting accepted into the prestigious horse tipping Facebook page, Boys Get Paid. The lowlight will be getting banned after tipping a donkey in Race 5 at Ellerslie.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Multi-tasking is a work in progress for you, Capricorn. Cooking, drinking red wine and dancing barefoot in the kitchen with your partner will be more stressful than the rom-coms make it seem.